Warning. Over the course of this piece, I will be bringing up events in my life that caused trauma and triggers that I didn’t know how to deal with.
Warning. As I write this through my current state of grief, it is safe to say the firsts posts might be a little dark. Healing takes time. I have been motivated to write this as a way to express myself as I have suffered from bottling my feelings in for far too long. I am absolutely the girl who will try and solve all her problems without trying to burden someone else for help. But this is different. I need an outlet. When I was struck with inspiration to tell my story, I was rewarded a small amount of peace by discovering something therapeutic. I’m not in the healthiest state of mind right now, but I promise that that is my goal, that is what I’m striving for. I don’t want to let this take me down even though it’s still pitch black on my end of the tunnel.
For anyone tagging along on this journey with me,.. hello and thank you. If it turns out no one is reading this or is interested in my experiences, that is okay too. I am on a path of self discovery and I’m trying to learn to forgive myself and not let anyone have the power of destroying me permanently. I am doing this as a way to document my past and recover from my trauma.
This is the first of many parts I will be writing.
As I grieve and attempt to get through this painful transition in my life, I believe going back to the beginning is important. After years of being in a relationship with a man I thought I was spending my life with, it wasn’t made aware of all the signs of inevitable heart ache were all in front of me from the very beginning. During the last few months of our relationship, I was struck with realization of the trauma that I had suffered and how deeply I was affected by it. I am hoping that while setting up my life story to give you better insight of my personal experience, it will also help me piece together parts of my life that I let go unnoticed until I had to deal with them painfully and at full force.
For those of you who think this is a self help piece… I’m sorry. I do not want to put up some facade that I have any ground to stand on to tell you I can help you. I am doing this to help me and for anyone seeking someone who can relate to their hidden pain that they haven’t let anyone know about. I’m doing this because I was astounded by how nonchalant people take breakups and are able to get through day to day life with out having a mental breakdown. But then, I WAS one of those girls. I was dying on the inside, not eating, not sleeping, analyzing every detail from the past two years. But on the outside I was tough. I acted completely unbothered. Conner who? But my moments of weakness that would occur were just crippling. I hated going through this alone. The only help I can offer you is to try and tell you my own experience and if all you get from it is.. hey this bitch is crazy. There’s no way I would let a man turn my life upside down! you know what? That’s awesome!! If that’s true for you, keep doing you. I mean before I ever fell in love, that was absolutely my mind set. I was positive I would never let a man disrespect me and cause me to lose all respect for myself. But I did. And if this helps any of the girls who have experienced this pain just to be able to know they are not alone, then this is worth it.
It has astonished me how there is stigma around breakups. I have found that it’s pretty common for people to expect you to move on so easily. Honey, he treated you awful. Don’t give him another thought. Okay Susan. My whole world just shattered and I’m trying to come to terms with my future being ripped out of my very determined and set mind, but thanks doll. Oh his kids who I loved with my whole heart and wanted to be there for and experience life with them? Gone. The man who was my best friend and life partner and who I had spent every waking moment with? Gone. But hey, chin up! Think positive. Move on girl!
Susan shut the fuck up.
I felt like my world was shattered. I would be with our friends… or having dinner with my family… at work… pretending everything was fine but on the inside I was suffocating and couldn’t breathe. The pain was crushing my chest while I was smiling at everyone around me wanting them to think I was okay. I didn’t want to be seen as weak. Or be the girl who let a boy who everyone had warned her about crumble and prove all of them right. I didn’t want anyone to think I couldn’t handle this.
Over the course of these chapters, I am going to explore my relationship and come face to face with the blaring warning signs I didn’t know to look for. I’m going to see how certain events left me in a traumatic state that would sneak up and haunt me for years to come. But most of all. This broken girl is going to find ways that help me cope and work towards being the best version of my self. I have no idea how I’ll push through it, but I will be damned if don’t try.
This time for me left me feeling very alone and like I couldn’t ask for help. Help me get over a breakup? It seemed ridiculous. But my mental health was suffering big time and I had neglected myself for too long. I hope my journey towards being a better me gives some one insight.
I recognize that my current mental health and state of mind tend to lean towards a dark mood. Yes. That is part of my experience. Just like you, I’ll be waiting to see how I pull myself out at the end. Only I can save myself.
Just remember. Getting help is okay. Getting help is being strong. Getting help is a step forward to loving yourself.
To be continued… with where it all began.